


Something to Live For Part 2

by Phsbarbie



Series: Something to Live For [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2018-01-07 05:23:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1116026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phsbarbie/pseuds/Phsbarbie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan Alenko searches for Shepard while she tries to come to terms with what she's done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something to Live For Part 2

   Step one, roll to my back, complete. Now how the hell do I get out of here? I guess I should be grateful to Cerberus, these cybernetic implants have probably saved my life a second time. How else can you explain that I'm still breathing? That's not to say everything's fine. I'm in bad shape. I can barely move and no one is going to come looking for me. Maybe in a week or two to give me a proper burial, but when you take into consideration that I only have the required emergency rations stashed in my uniform I don't see myself lasting more than a few days. 

    After my third attempt I manage to sit up. Score one for Shepard. I might be moving slowly, but It counts. My conversation with Anderson comes to mind. "I feel like death, but I'm moving." Tears come to my eyes as I remember yet another person I was unable to save, my friend and mentor David Anderson. I blink away the tears. Now is not the time. 

    My situation has worsened since that conversation. I'm pretty sure walking is out of the question, but I may be able to crawl. However the strength to crawl does not equal the strength to remove the debris that is piled on all sides of me, forming almost a cave that I'm trapped in. So how do I get out? I remember Urdnot Bakkara telling me about being sealed in a cave to become a Shaman. She managed to dig her way out with a crystal. Of course! She gave me the crystal as a reminder of hope and I've worn it around my neck ever since. Now the only question is which way to dig.

    "If you start to dig the wrong way Shepard, you and Bakkara will have two things in common. That and your similar mass." I close my eyes tight, hoping to make the voice go away. When I open them she's sitting across the cave from me. "That was a joke." I smile tiredly at my hallucination. 

    "Great. I'm farther gone than I thought."

    "Does this unit have a soul?"

    "EDI, that's Legion's line."

    "But does it not apply to me as well?"

    "Sure, I'll play along. Yes EDI, you do have a soul."

    "Then is it not a statistical possibility that said soul would come back to visit you?"

    "It's far more likely PTSD has finally caught up to me and combined with my overwhelming guilt to produce you."

    "Why do you feel guilt Shepard?"

    "Why do you think?" I rasp at her in frustration. "I killed you. My friend. I destroyed Joker's life, along with all synthetic life everywhere. I betrayed Legion, I seriously damaged the Mass Relays..."

    "Then why make that choice at all?" I close my eyes again and drop my head to the floor. Deciding to do something useful while I argue with my hallucination, I pull myself over to a wall and take out the crystal. "Shepard?"

    "Yes EDI?"

    "That's the wrong way." I roll my eyes and move to another wall.

    "How's this one?"

    "Better. You still have not answered the question Shepard." I sigh and pause in my work.

    "I had to make a judgement call, and I'm sorry you had to pay the price for it. If it makes you feel any better, I expected to pay it too."

    "Now you resemble Jeff, deflecting the hard questions with humor."

    "I made that choice because it was the best one available to me." I start to chip at the debris harder.

    "Shepard conserve your energy. You're going to need it. Explain your options. And your choice." I slow my pace and try to get my thoughts straight.

    "I could have controlled the Reapers like the Illusive Man, the  _indoctrinated_ Illusive Man, wanted. That right there should spell out why that option was not a good one. They would have taken all I am, all I ever was, and turned it into a Reaper. The head Reaper, with all of my memories and none of my emotions. To control them was to become them, and I couldn't do that. 

    "Then there was synthesis. Besides being what Saren had wanted, I couldn't make every organic in the galaxy half synthetic. I couldn't meld us all with the Reapers. Not even for you. Not even for the Geth," I say, my voice getting softer on the last part.

    "So I chose to destroy them. And in doing so destroyed you. Please try to understand. I could listen to Saren. I could listen to the Illusive Man. Or I could listen to David Anderson. I could cooperate with these monsters who destroyed millions of years worth of civilizations, or I could finally end them for good. 

    "And I don't believe what they said about repeating our mistakes, because synthetic life is not a mistake. The Geth and the Quarians made peace. You found love with a human and told me yourself you'd rather die than join the Reapers. All that is proof that organics and synthetics don't need to fight. There can be lasting peace between our races, especially since the organics of this cycle have already learned so much about synthetic relations. We've made our mistakes, but now we can move past them. We can honor the sacrifices the synthetics made in defeating the Reapers. I believe we will create more synthetics, and though there may be struggles, we will form lasting bonds. The Geth didn't want to kill their creators, they simply didn't want to be killed by them. There doesn't need to be war."

    "Shepard."

    "Yes EDI?"

    "You are forgiven."

    "What?" I ask, but when I turn my head to look at her, she's gone.

 

 

 

    The engineers go back to work on the engines, Liara resumes fixing her broker's network, everyone goes back to their stations to help get the Normandy back up and running. Except me. Honestly, what is there for me to do? I'm just a soldier. I try waiting in the observation deck I've adapted for my needs, but sitting on my hands is driving me insane. I decide to move my things up to Shepard's cabin. She's asked me to do it so many times I've lost count, but I always told her I didn't want the crew thinking I was getting preferential treatment. Now I just don't give a damn. 

    I don't want to mess with her stuff too much, but I figure she won't mind me taking a drawer or two for my uniforms. I open her top drawer and stop short. There's a picture of me there I haven't seen before. I recognize the picture, I just didn't realize she'd had it framed. It's the one she snapped of me when we were on our way back from shore leave, our last one before the original Normandy was destroyed. How long has she had this?

    I pick it up and a data file falls out of the frame. It says "To Kaidan" and is marked with a date of about a year ago, around the time she took down the Collector's base. I take it over to the computer and insert the file. And there she is. A hologram of Shepard comes on screen and she begins to speak.

    "Dear Kaidan- I'm sorry I never responded to your message after Horizon. I guess I didn't really know what to say. But we're about to head through the Omega-4 Relay and I can't leave with things unsaid. If I don't make it back I've left instructions for this message to be delivered to you." She takes a deep breath before continuing. 

    "I love you Kaidan. And I'm sorry I never told you that. But I want you to know that the first thing I asked about when I woke up was where you were. The Illusive Man claimed not to know and Anderson refused to tell me. I'm sorry you spent two years mourning me, but I promise I tried to find you as soon as I was able. The thing I miss most about my old life isn't my career, or even having higher ups that I can trust, what I miss most is you. That night before Ilos... it meant as much to me as it did to you. I can't regret working with Cerberus right now, because they're the only ones willing to do anything about the Collectors. I just wish you could see that. I just... wish you were here." She pauses for a moment and continues with a smile on her face.

    "Do you remember our last shore leave? When we got kicked out of Flux? Well I've still got that picture of you, I've kept it on my desk through all this. That way at least my memories of you don't fade." Joker's voice causes her to look up.

    "Commander, you might want to get down here. We're heading through the relay now."

    "Right, I'll be right there," she responds before turning back. "I love you Kaidan. Please, don't ever forget me." I reach my hand out and trace her face on the screen.

    "Never," I promise softly. Joker's voice intrudes again, but this time he's talking to me.

    "Kaidan the engines are back online. Are you ready to go?"

    "Do you even have to ask?"

    "Right, dumb question. Stand by for lift off.


End file.
